Acik Mektup.

Beyaz kagit dunyanin en seksi seyi demisti, galiba Henry Miller. Cunku yaz yazabildigin kadar. Istedigini yaz. Soyle dedim, boyle oldu, ben aslinda soyleyim boyleyim, o soyle boyle… Okuyan yok baska nasilsa istedigini soyle. Kufur et. Seviyorum lan de. Yaz istedigini. En guzeli de (!) sonra geri donup okumak. Bak ne kadar hakliyim iste, buraya da yazmisim bilmem ne zaman.. Muhatap var. Ama gizli. Karsinda degil. Karsi cikan yok, tez ileri suren yok, fikir veren lafini bolen yok. En guzeli dogru / yanlis diyen yok. Hep sen haklisin. Kafan karisik da olsa oraya yazdin mi sanki gercek zannetme tehlikesi var tabii. Yazinca goruyorsun ve gozle gorunce de biz insanoglu her seyi gercek zannediyoruz maalesef. Yazinca beyaz sayfaya tamam. Buyum ben, dogruyum, hakliyim. Gercegim. Varim.

11 yasimdan beri gunluk tutuyorum. Hep soylenmek istedigim zaman yazdigimi fark edince erken yasta asik oldugumda, guzellikler, basarilar ve mutluluk veren seyler oldugunda da yazmaya basladim. Bir de yazdigim seylere cok inanmamayi ogrendim. Geri donup okumamaya calismayi da… Yoksa cok buyuk kafa karisikligi oluyor. Yasadigin seyler ve o anda hissettigin seyler arasindaki fark buyuk oluyor. Ama insan yine de yazdigina inaniyor, kendini kandirabiliyor. Yazmisim iste buraya, evet ya, iste boyleyken boyle, tabii tabii…

Ben muhatap seviyorum. Karsimda olsun insan her haliyle. Kafa karisikligi ile, gercek gercek konussun bana, soylesin, anlatsin. Iletisime inaniyorum hala. Gerci zamanimizda geri kafali damgasi yiyecek kadar ortaliktan kalkti boyle insanlar ama olsun. Oraya buraya yazmayi sevmiyorum, FB’ymis Twitter’mis. Yuzune soylemek istiyorum insanlarin. Yuzume soylensin istiyorum. Ozel anlar olsun istiyorum o yuzden. ‘Seni seviyorum’ diyebilmek, ‘seni ozledim’ diyebilmek. En onemlisi sana ihtiyacim var diyebilmek. Ne kadar fena bir laf oldu bu. Odu patliyor insanlarin birbirlerine ihtiyac duymaktan. Neden bu kadar zor? Ben de cok kasiliyorum birisine ihtiyac duymaktan. Netekim elim sakatlaninca anlamistim ne kadar rahatsiz oldugumu bu konuda. Net. Kimseye ihtiyacin olmasin yavrucugum tek basina idare edebilmelisin. Ben bu konuda yazmistim hatirliyorum gecen sene kazadan sonra, biz gerilla egitimi aldik ailemizden ablamla diye. Bir tane daha insan tanidim gecen sene sanki bu vesile ile bilmiyorum rastlanti mi? (46 sana diyorum). Cok zorlaniyorum ben birisinden bir sey isterken bile. Ama ne diye o zaman hep birlikte yasiyoruz? Bunu cozemiyorum. O zaman herkes kendi evinde, eskisi gibi ne guzel bahceler icinde yasayalim, kurtulalim kollektif hayattan. Komsumuz, is arkadasimiz olmasin. Yanyana dustukce saldirgan bir ‘benim kimseye ihtiyacim yok’ durumu olusmus. Ve fakat insanlar sokaklara cikti iste hep beraber. New york, Roma, Madrid, Atina kavruluyor ortalik. Bireysellik biraz tak etti galiba. Bu tek basima ayakta durayim diye yaptiklarimiz, cok calisma para kazanma v.s.. kapitalizm’in ozgurluk diye tanimladigi alim gucu pompa(lama)si zortladi. Bakalim nereye?

Dun gece bir film izledim. Love and other drugs.  Maki vermis idi. Ask hikayesi aslinda ama hos bir film. Yavru Anna Hathaway Parkinson olmus sanatci bir kizi oynuyor. Filmin sonunda bir yerde tipik yeniden birlesme hikayesi var. Erkek kizin pesinden gidiyor iste bildigimiz, ve diyor ki kizimiza “I need you”. Aha! O da diyor ki “I will need you more”. Hasta ya yavrucak! Erkek de diyor ki “Everybody needs someone”. Aglasiyorlar bir yandan tabii. Ben de onlarla hungur hungur agliyorum. Hadi bakalim buyur burdan yak! Bayagi fiction geldi bana birisinin digerine “I need you” demesi o anda. Ne gunlere kaldik!

Bu arada ben de ‘there is someone for everyone’ diye sarki yazmistim. Henuz kaydedemedim. Yakinda kaydederim bence!


p.s. bu yaziyi yazdiktan 2 saat sonra yeniden toplanmam (yine ve yeniden yer degisikligi) gerektigi icin sirt cantami actim icinden soyle bir not cikti: 'biz seni cok severiz'. imzaya gerek bile yok. annem beni havaalanina biraktiginda cantama not atmis. iste boyle bir sey. 

Hey! Are you...

"... a dreamer?"

"Yeah."

"I haven't seen too many around lately.

Things have been tough for dreamers.

They say dreaming is dead. No one does it anymore.

It's not dead. It's just been forgotten.

Removed from our language.

Nobody teaches it, so no one knows it exists.

The dreamer's banished to obscurity.

I'm trying to change all that. I hope you are too...

by dreaming every day.

Dreaming with our hands and minds.

Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced. Ever. So don't be bored.

This is the most exciting time we could have hoped to be alive.

And things are just starting."

"Before you drift off, don't forget...

...which is to say, remember.

Because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting.

Lorca, in that same poem, said that the iguana will bite those who do not dream.

And, as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream...

...that is self-awareness."

"Behind the huge difference, 

there is but one story of 

moving from the no to the yes.

All of life is, "No, thank you. No, thank you."

Then ultimately it's, "Yes, I give in. Yes, I accept. Yes, I embrace."

That's the journey.

Everyone gets to the yes in the end, right?"  

                                                                             

                            

We need.

Waking Life – the movie

“What is frustration? What is anger? Or Love?

When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and hits the other persons ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain… and through their memories of love, or lack of love , they register what I am saying, and they say yes they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They are just symbols. They are dead. You know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It is unspeakable. And yet, when we communicate with one another and we feel that we have connected…  and we think that we’re understood… I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion and that feeling might be transient. But I think it’s what we live for. “

 Straight Man – the book

“Which is why we have spouses and children and parents and colleagues and friends, because someone has to know us better than we know ourselves. We need them to tell us. We need them to say, “ I know you, Al. You’re not the kind of man who.””

[Me.

...and my shadow]

I am on your side.

I do talk English when I fight,  or I am afraid of talking. Saying powerful things to someone I care for scares me and I suddenly start talking in English. During fight, even the dumbest, meaningless phrases in between, I speak in English. I do not know exactly why?  It is like a blanket, a kind of protection to say things in another language, I guess. Like looking at things from another planet. And talk from another planet. I say this, but this is not me who says this?! Then all of a sudden, my words are lighter. They don’t hit anyone. I am safe. He is safe. We are all in a safe zone. We are fighting but nobody hurts! Nobody is hurt!

Today, I am tired. Today I am tired of trying. Today I am tired of trying to understand.

Today I am broken, and tired of being broken. Broken inside. Inside of many others…

Today I am tired. Tired of walking. Tired of fighting with my dreams. With my shadows, I listen.

Today I was thinking.  I was thinking and fighting. Fighting my demons.

And, I am tired of fighting.

Today I am listening.

I am listening them. My demons, all right! They are as confusing as they can be. I haven’t been listening them for quite some time.

I realized lately I haven’t been talking about myself much, OR my shadows. Today, I am not going to talk about them either. 

Instead, I quietly and secretly cried over my shadows on the way back from Rome to my new home.

This is David Sylvian speaking.

Today I listen.

“It's a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live

It's a day full of dreams
It's a dream of a day
And the joy that it brings
Nearly sweeps her away

It's a wonderful world
As the buildings fall down
And you quicken your step
‘til your feet leave the ground
And you're soaring above
All the sorrow below
And you're falling in love
With those you don't know
 
And your heart feels so wide
And your heart fills so strong
It was never a place
That you felt you belonged

It's a wonderful world
Full of wonderful things
And the people fall down
And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he's talking out loud
Sometimes he whistles while walking
How could he know any better?
I weep for him, I weep for him now)
                                                                                     
It's a wonderful world
It's a real crying shame
Cos she's hurting herself
In a violent way
And there's people she knows
That won't even try
And they're trapped in their lives
Feeling terrified
And it's in times like these
That she promised to call
But the scale of our love
Is diminished and small

It's a wonderful world
And she doesn't know why
She wakes up each day
And continues to cry

(He's sleeping his troubles away
He's finding it too hard to bear
I'm with him every step of the way
I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It's a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live.”